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THE BANK ROBBER'S BLOG
OCTOBER 2013

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--- LOCKED UP BUT NOT SHUT UP ---
30th October 2013

Your favourite felon is in solitary for getting into a scrap with a couple of other prisoners. Jeff was simply defending himself.
Jeff will be transferred to a new prison soon, and then he'll resume email contact.
In the meantime, there will still be all new blog entries that we had stored at MSP headquarters.

Jeffrey P. Frye
murderslim.com
Bank Robber's Blog
bankblogger.weebly.com
@bankblogger2

--- SCHEMING WITH THE DON ---
24th October 2013

So I'm sitting in the stairwell waiting to call my girl Fallon and I'm listening to some Taylor Swift on my MP3, but I'm bobbing my head and repping it like it's Tupac because I don't want anyone to know. As I'm sitting there this big fried chicken-looking, biscuit-eating, greasy fat dude from D.C. farts as he's walking down the stairs and keeps on going. He crop dusts me. And it's the kind of fart that could be in an Al Qaeda training video. It smells like road kill and wet tennis shoes. About a minute later two dudes come walking down the stairs and the smell is still stinking up the stairwell and I'm the only one sitting there. One of them gives me a look like "Damn" and shakes his head and the other one pinches his nose closed. I said, "Wait! It wasn't me!" and one of them says, "Yeah, right" and they keep on walking.

After I make my call I have an appointment with Don Corleone out on the yard. He's asked me to meet him so we can scheme in the fresh air. He wants to talk about a potential racket where we have the heat to the steam pipes in our cell block shut off and then see how much we could potentially make having it turned back on. He wants to do a cost to profits analysis and then we're going to make ziti for dinner.

A lot of people back here are not capable of "Big Criminal Thought" but The Don's not one of them. This is a guy who rigged a bid to have a youth center built in his neighborhood then had it built using the union that he had a piece of. He made money on everything from the concrete to the windows to the computers and then after it was built he had it burnt down for the insurance money. He called it an "Extreme Makeover." The feds successfully took the man out of the rackets, but they'll never take the rackets out of the man. Whether it's a nice tomato-based sauce or a way to have Jerry Sandusky transferred here so that he can sell him water one drop at a time, The Don is always cooking up something.

My favorite one so far was the bingo game we sponsored for The African War Victims of Bahrain. When he initially told me about it I told him, "You are aware that there are no black people in Bahrain, aren't you?" He said, "Who's side are you on?" We had a good turnout and as the men filed in to the game The Don whispered to me out of the side of his mouth, "We're gonna beat these guys like they're Rodney King at a traffic stop" then he worked the room shaking hands and thanking people for their contribution in The War Effort. What the twenty-some people who played (and lost) never realized is that 1) There was no war in Bahrain, 2) There are certainly no Africans there, and, 3) That we made the bingo cards. This Fucking Guy talked The Don into calling the game by telling him that he'd owned bingo parlors "Back West." Chief Smith and Wesson had been indicted for robbing bingo games on the reservation and my vote went to him because at least he had some verifiable experience, but The Don over ruled me. I told him, "I can't believe you're going with This Fucking Guy." But I'll be damned if he didn't sound as smooth as an auctioneer at Sotheby's calling the game. Ghetto Boy and a couple of his boys were the shills and got the winning cards. The Don said, "It only seems fair to let Africans win." My buddy with the deep social conscience. We ate for a month off that game.

Jeffrey P. Frye
murderslim.com
Bank Robber's Blog
bankblogger.weebly.com
@bankblogger2

--- THE MAD SAMPLER ---
14th October 2013

Well, it's some holiday today that's worthy of shutting down the federal government (not like it takes much to do that these days), but not sufficient to give us a holiday meal, and I'm sitting here looking at the purest strain of American Dumb Ass known to man.

We have two large black boxes by the computers that have about 30 or so USB cords coming off of them and that serves as charging stations for our MP3 players. This guy (the aforementioned Dumb Ass) doesn't have a MP3 player so he takes his headphones and he comes and plugs into everybody else's MP3 that's connected to the charging station and samples songs for a few minutes at a time.

One minute he might be spitting a rap by Jay-Z and throwing his hands in the air, and the next, singing a love song from Madonna with his hands over his heart. Like right now he's bouncing around doing what I refer to as "Chair dancing" (you've seen people do it in traffic before) on the concrete stoop next to me and making extreme facial expressions with his hands on his hips as he does some variation of The Wave and sings La Macarena.

I call him The Mad Sampler, but everybody else calls him Love u 2 because that's what he says to everybody if you're unfortunate enough to bump into his line of sight. When I sat down here to check my email he fixed a retarded stare at me and said, "Love you too, man" to which I replied, "I don't love you though, and I never have." Then just in case he's missed the insult I added, "My life's not that bad yet."

But it's real close.

The Mad Sampler. Who woulda known?

Jeffrey P. Frye
murderslim.com
Bank Robber's Blog
bankblogger.weebly.com
@bankblogger2

--- ANNIVERSARY POST ---
10th October 2013

Last week, while the world nosily went about its business, the Bank Robber's Blog quietly celebrated its one year anniversary. Last year, after having a piece called Prison Prose published in the 6th Edition of Murder Slim Press's literary magazine "The Savage Kick", I started kicking it like David Beckham with one of the guys at MSP and started emailing him stories and blurbs. On October 7, 2012 I started my day by having a cup of coffee in Don Corleone's cell while I listened to Frank Sinatra on his speaker system and watched him dice onions. After a few minutes I decided to go check my email and it was then that I learned of the inception of the Bank Robber's Blog from Steve at Murder Slim. Being that I don't have internet and have to conceptualize things in my minds eye, it took me a minute to wrap my head (and eye) around what they'd created and just how special and cool it is.

The blog was designed by Murder Slim Press as a way to expose you guys to my writing being that I'm a new writer. Murder Slim initially wanted me to do more along the lines of micro posts, but I asked for and received permission to write longer posts and stories; or as I like to say, they took the governor off and allowed me to "Just cruise."

The blog quickly took on a life of its own, and subsequently my first book for Murder Slim is a book filled with previously unpublished blogs and stories and is called BANK BLOGGER. It's a cool little book that probably won't win any prizes for literature, but I'm proud of it just the same. In addition to the stories and the awesome job that Murder Slim did on the layout, it also includes pictures of me and some of my friends and the people that occasionally pop up in my blogs. It is due to drop very soon and I suggest that you visit the Murder Slim Press Shop or amazon.com and pick up at least one copy. It will also be available on Kindle and would make an excellent Christmas gift.

A lot has happened in the last year while the blog has been shifting gears and picking up speed. Some of these include:
* I successfully completed chemo and took up yoga.
* I've written two books for Murder Slim Press and an illustrated children's poem book under a pseudonym for my publisher in New York City.
* I was locked up for my writing by the warden at USP Lewisburg under the guise of finding a cigarette in my cell, and I was put in solitary confinement for four months, had my cats taken, and was transferred from a pen that was okay to one that's not okay.
* I got two new cats and found a better hiding place for my cigarettes.
* Made friends with some great writers and some really cool people from all over the world.
* Joined the twittersphere (@bankblogger2). I don't have as many followers as Miley Cyrus or Pope Francis yet, but I'm gaining on them.
* Under the direction of webmaster Alexius Rex, I launched my own website (bankblogger.weebly.com).

Yes, it's safe to say that it's been quite a year. As I write this post I am presently on lockdown in a federal pen in the mountains of West Virginia because one of the locals here failed his anger management class and beat up the cop that was working his cell block. And who knows where I'll be this time next year? But no matter where this ride takes me, I'm going to continue to keep cruising as I take bricks out of the wall that surrounds my life and let you guys take a peek at a world that you want no part of, but one that can be downright entertaining some days. But all of what I've accomplished in this last year would not have been possible without you guys..my faithful readers. So thank you for continuing to click onto the Bank Robber's Blog and Happy Anniversary.

Jeffrey P. Frye
murderslim.com
Bank Robber's Blog
bankblogger.weebly.com
@bankblogger2

--- OROBBERCARE ---
1st October 2013

I recently had some dental work done and I had to stop by the pill window to take some medicine. The pill window is a small, chest-high window framed in stone on the front of the prison pharmacy that has bars on it to prevent entrance to rioting convicts. As I peered inside I saw nurse Mad Dog McShane perched on his chair with his arms crossed defending his post like it was a bunker in Kandahar. He likes the convicts to immediately swallow their pills after he passes them out of the window, and if they don't he comes unglued and starts yelling. So when he handed me my cup of pills I intentionally slow-played it until, sure enough, he screamed: "TAKE IT!!! SWALLOW THE DAMN MEDICINE!!!" Having gotten the response I wanted I threw back the pill cup like it was a shot of Crown and leaned over and got a drink from the water fountain. Nurse Mad Dog McShane is part of the managed healthcare system I now participate in that I call Orobbercare.

Once I was back inside the cell block I went to the phone and called my sister and when she took the call I excitedly told her: "I just got a root canal and a filling for $2.00!!! Isn't that great?" She yelled: "You had to rob seven banks and get 20 years in prison for that $2.00 co-pay... YOU IDIOT!" My sister the joy stealer. She's a career postal worker that still carries a bag every day in surburban Chicago. She's short with bushy brown hair and happy eyes and she's pretty. But underneath all that prettiness lays an inner-redneck that's bigger than Miranda Lambert's backside. I'd hate to be a dog on her route.

So I came back up to my house and prepped some green peppers and onions for the pizzas that I'm making tonight, and I strapped on my MP3 and caught Miley Cyrus on shuffle and started thinking about prison healthcare versus free world healthcare and I started crunching some numbers.

I'd love to tell all of you Rush Limbaugh-loving Republicans that the Federal Bureau of Prisons has me strapped down to a rack and begging for Tylenol whenever I get sick, but that's just not the case. I long-ago determined that this place is not going to let me cheat the judge out of this 20 years by dying from an illness that they can prevent or fix. Medically speaking, they actually take really good care of me. Whether it's promptly seeing a good doctor, or doing blood work, or whether it's MRIs or biopsies, these people have no problem doing it. In the last year I was diagnosed with an illness that required biopsies, two MRIs, and a chemo-based treatment involving a medication recently approved by the FDA that cost $48,000 and these people did all of that to cure my illness. I hate prison, and "These people" still play for the opposing team, but in the spirit of keeping it real...I am grateful. But let's break it down a little further and look at the cost and benefits under Orobbercare versus Obamacare.

The last year that I participated in the national economy as Joe Six Pack I earned roughly $21,000 as a paralegal and paid roughly 30% in taxes. So I netted about $14,000. This was before I imploded and turned into Joe Twelve Pack, a bi-polar drug-abusing loser and the FBI surrounded my drinking spot. So, just off the top of my head, if I were free today and had an A+ Plan Type with a PPO/Deductible of $1,500, 20% co-insurance with no dental and no vision and not HSA eligible. I'd pay roughly $260.39 a month or $3,124.68 annually. Tack on another grand for special procedure co-pays such as in-hospital MRIs and my annual cost for healthcare under Obamacare would be about $4,000. Subtract that from my $14,000 take home pay and I'd be left with about ten grand a year to live on. Hell, I'd have to STAY Joe Six Pack because that's all of the beer I'd be able to afford...and it would have to be cheap beer at that. So the cost of my health insurance in relation to my net income under Obamacare would be roughly 40%. Now let's do a cost/benefits to income analysis under Orobbercare.

Last year I earned $32 a month cleaning J. Edgar Hoover's showers here in the United State Penetentiary in Lewisburg, Pennsylvania. Of that $32 a month the Federal Bureau of Prisons garnished $25 of it to give back to the banks I liberated money from. That left me with a net income of $7 a month or $84 annually. These are the medical procedures I received last year and what they cost the Federal Bureau of Prisons:

Two MRIs.....$3,000 (approximately)
Two biopsies.....$2,000 (approximately)
Chemo-based treatment.....$48,000
One root canal.....$800
One filling.....$250

My total out of pocket cost under Orobbercare? Two bucks.

This is 1.68% of my annual income from cleaning J. Edgar Hoover's showers versus the 40% of my income I'd pay under Obamacare if I were free. I'm just a dumb old bank robber who forgot to wear a mask, but I know the difference between forty and 1.68%.

And Obama wants me to come out of prison and give up my extra 38% of my income for mandated healthcare? No, sir. He's not gonna trick me. I pleaded guilty and prison was part of my plea. You can't make me leave. Hell, I can't afford to. I'll gladly keep an extra 38% of my income to have Mad Dog McShane scream at me while I swallow my pills. I'm happy with Orobbercare. But we'll keep that our secret...so, shhhh.

Jeffrey P. Frye
murderslim.com
Bank Robber's Blog
bankblogger.weebly.com
@bankblogger2