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JULY 2017

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--- HAIRY 2.0. ---
8th July 2017

So I do my normal morning routine this morning. I get up at 5:15 am or so (they don't unlock the doors at 6 am) and I get ready to heat some water for some coffee. To do this, I have a Lockdown Coffee Kit in an empty Saltines box. This includes an empty Mt. Dew can with a string that's been strung through the tab (this allows me to dangle the can above the flame); then I have a little aluminum stand that holds the cloth, donut-shaped, sterno that I light on fire. It shoots off a flame about three inches high and burns for about 4 minutes. I place it on the stand on the floor underneath my sink, and right underneath the outtake vent so that any residual smoke that comes off of it will go out the vent. Then I take a foil strip and touch it to a battery and hold it against a twisted piece of toilet paper that serves as the wick. When the wick catches, I run to the sterno and light the top edges, then drop the burning wick into the donut so the bottom of it will catch fire.

I call this routine: WHITE MAN MAKES FIRE!!! When the flame is going, I pull my Green plastic Wal-Mart chair up in front of the sterno and grab the can and sit there for four minutes and heat the water. Did I paint a good picture? Now picture me doing this in nothing but a pair of Tan-colored boxers wearing shower slides and you'll have the complete visual. Well, at about 5:30 am this morning, this white man made fire. As I was heating the can though I saw something sticking out from underneath the floor rag that's on the floor under the toilet. What I saw was a hairy leg. No kidding. I was like :-I which is my serious face because I knew that it was another spider. And it was. It was a biggen too. It looked like a Rock Crab from the 300 or so baby spiders that were clinging to their mother's back.

My cellmate (who just came back and had been snoring two seconds before, heard me spew some expletives and said, "What?!?" to which I replied, "Don't worry, it doesn't involve locks or knives; it's not Round 2, it's only spiders." Seemingly relieved, he went back to REM sleep. His snoring sounds like Bike Week in Sturgis, South Dakota. Fuhgettaboutit.

Doing 20 years and it being 5:30 am, my main goal was the coffee. And just like me, I figured that the spider wasn't going anyplace so I finished heating the water. Then I killed it by smushing it with a shower shoe, but some of the babies still managed to duck and run. I got their ass too though. This white man doesn't just make fire, he also kills slow spiders (ARRRRGGHH... caveman sound). Maybe Orkin will give me a job when I get out? I'm wondering if killing spiders and making fire from toilet paper and pop cans is a marketable skill? I'm ready to get out and help Make America Great Again.

Jeffrey P. Frye
Bank Robber's Blog