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20th August 2019

There are certain laws at play in the universe that affect everybody. You don't have to believe in them or even understand them to be subject to their priciples. Gravity is a good example of this. You can't see it or touch it, or even necessarily explain it, but it's real and at work in your life every single day. A person's belief does absolutely nothing to establish whether or not gravity exists. It just is. Some things are true whether you believe in them or not.

Another one of these universal laws is cause and effect. Most religions have some version of this principle in their tenets. The most common name that cause and effect is know by is Karma. The principle of Karma states that your actions have some type of boomerang effect in the universe and will ultimately come back to affect you in some way. Sometimes fast, sometimes slow; Sometimes good, sometimes bad. Karma is another universal law that is constantly in play and that affects everybody whether they believe in it or not.

I have a friend in Montana that has recently gotten me interested in Quantum Physics. In Quantum Physics there is something called Quantum Entanglement. This theory was originally articulated back in 1935 by Albert Einstein and two other scientists. It's a big hairy principle that I'm not smart enough to explain, let along understand. But a very simplified version of Quantum Entanglement states that everyone and everything in the universe is connected and affects each other. And thoughts are real live things that have the ability to create physical reality. Under the laws of Quantum Entanglement, a person's actions in San Diego, California could potentially affect someone else living in Dublin, Ireland; or if a butterfly flaps its wings in Torremolinos, Spain, it might cause a tsunami off the coast of Japan. Like a rock dropped into a pond, the actions in Quantum Entanglement ripple out and land on distant shores.

Being that I had a little extra time on my hands (20 yrs to be exact). I got to thinking about my former life as a criminal, through the kaleidoscope of Karma and Quantum Entanglement. Here's what I came up with...

It should come at no surprise to the intelligent and faithful readers of my blog that I was apprehended for my first crime when I was six years old. Armed with less than a full issue of serotonin, I stole $2.00 worth of gum from Soukup's Hardware Store in Elmhurst, Illinois. After we'd gone home, when my mother noticed me chewing gum that she knew she hadn't bought me, she asked me where I had gotten it. Wanting to try one of her favorite lines back at her, I replied, "Don't worry about it. It doesn't concern you." The next thing that I remember is picking the piece of gum up off of the floor from the exact spot that it had landed after she'd slapped it out of my mouth. She then grilled me like a cheap steak and marched me by my ear back to the hardware store and made me confess to Mr. Soukup what I had done, and then pay him for the gum. It was my first guilty plea.

But what neither my mom nor Mr. Soukup knew is that I had been clipping gum from his store since I'd been four! These seemingly benign actions set-about a chain reaction of Quantum Entanglement the likes of which I could have never imagined and left a Karmic footprint on the earth that a family of Yeti would be proud of.

The approximate financial loss to Soukup's Hardware Store from my liberating their gum over a two year period was $119.63. While this isn't a huge amount of money, the hardware store was already having financial problems and the added stress from my preschool pilfering caused Mr. Soukup to drink excessively and beat Mrs. Soukup. The Soukups were lifelong Democrats, but to spite her husband, Mrs. Soukup went into a voting booth and secretly voted for Richard Nixon, and encouraged all of her girlfriends to do the same. These extra votes resulted in his winning the election and becoming President of The United States. Before Congress gave him the bum's-rush out of office several years later, Nixon committed several crimes and made several moves of political patronage. One of these moves was the pardoning of imprisoned labor leader Jimmy Hoffa. Hoffa reemerged unto the national scene and tried to reclaim his former position as head of the International Brotherhood of Teamsters. Unfortunately though, a couple of Italian gentlemen ended up giving him an altogether different position laying at the bottom of a vat of concrete...or so the rumor goes.

One of the brick masons on the Hoffa job was named Vincenzo Molinari. He had a brother named Carmine that shunned the family business and used the law enforcement pressure that the Hoffa affair created as an excuse to join the military. After graduating from OCS at Annapolis, he matriculated to a position in the Pentagon working for a man named Colonel Oliver North. In violation of international embargoes that were in place at the time, Col. North and his crew funneled arms to a militant terrorist group named Hezbollah (Party of God). Hezbollah, in turn, used these arms to commit terrorist attacks inside the country of Israel in an attempt to derail peace talks that were going on at the time, because they were terrorists and this is what terrorists do.

One of the people affected by these attacks was a young girl named Sarah Greenberg. She had been sitting in an outdoor cafe in Haifa and witnessed one of the attacks. This incident caused Ms. Greenberg to leave Israel and move to New York City where she became an accountant and went to work for hotel heiress Leona Helmsley. Under pressure from her crooked boss, she devised an accounting scheme that allowed Ms. Helsmley to cheat the government out of millions of dollars, all as she treated her employees like Hebrew slaves.

One of these slaves was an English chap named Roger Appleworth that managed the maintenance department of one of her hotels. He became so disgruntled with the way he was treated that he quit his job and moved back to England, taking along with him his young son, Charlie. Charlie Appleworth was a lanky, mean, lad who was known for being a bully on the school yard. One of the kids that he bullied was a plump little sot named Thomas Salter. Thomas had a friend named Steve Hussy, and after a good beating by Appleworth one day, Salter told Hussy, "I'd like to murder that slim bastard." This comment planted a seed in young Hussy's head that would eventually germinate in the form of Hussy founding a publishing company named Murder Slim Press.

One day while riding the tube in London, a violent commoner named Michael Gordon Peterson (a.k.a. Charlie Bronson) came across a publication by Murder Slim and found the the two words to be so provocative together that he promptly stabbed a fellow passenger in the face with a pen. This resulted in Charlie Bronson being imprisoned yet once a gain where he met a Muslim woman named Fatima Rehman. Charlie Bronson converted to Islam after meeting Fatima and began to preach violence to Fatima's son, Achmed. These sermons had the effect of radicalizing young Achmed and he eventually joined Al Qaeda and martyred himself in a suicide bombing in Barcelona, Spain.

At the time of the bombing, two American college students were on Summer break travelling through Europe and read about this atrocity and were deeply affected by it. It was the impetus for one of the students to join the seminary and become a priest after he finished medical school. Upon entering the priesthood, he was transferred to The Holy See and worked his way up through the Church. He eventually became Pope Benedict XVI's top physician. However, during his professional ascent he'd become addicted to opiates and he began stealing the Holy Father's pain meds and replacing them with placebos. This, in turn, cause His Eminence to think that his health was failing, and caused him to eventually to resign the Papacy.

The other student on the train back in Europe that day who deeply affected by the suicide bombing of Achmed Rehman came back to the States and decided to "change the world" through a career in politics. His name was David Plouffe. He went on to become Barack Obama's chief political strategist and was instrumental in getting the freshman senator from Illinois elected to the Presidency. After becoming President, Obama instituted several liberal reforms, one of which was lowering the sentences for drug offenders and letting them out of prison early.

A young conservative attorney who had just graduated law school was incensed by this particular decision and decided to join the United States Attorney's office and to always be tough on crime. His name was Nick Bianchi. Shortly thereafter, a semi-handsome and quite moronic individual named Jeffrey Patrick Frye went off the reservation and robbed 7 banks without a mask. After a 5 week low-speed chase, the FBI finally trapped Frye like a raccoon and dragged him back to Charleston, South Carolina, whereupon he assumed the role of a big fish in a small pond. The gift of his very public prosecution fell squarely into the lap of Nick Bianchi, where he successfully whined, begged, and finally tricked the Honorable David C. Norton into sentencing Defendant Frye to 20 years in the pokey.

How's that for some entangled Karma? Talk about the chickens coming home to roost, huh?

Now, I may not be able to fully explain Quantum Entanglement or Karma, and I may not know where they buried Jimmy Hoffa. And I have no idea how Pope Benedict is feeling these days. But there is one thing I know for certain.

I'll sure never steal chewing gum again.

Jeffrey P. Frye
Bank Robber's Blog


* Steve Hussy is the owner of Murder Slim Press and had a childhood friend named Thomas Salter.
* Michael Gordon Peterson (a.k.a. Charlie Bronson) is England's most notorious felon whose been imprisoned over 10 times and even converted to Islam and married Fatima during one of those sentences.
* I really did liberate gum from Soukup's Hardware Store in Elmhurst, Illinois when I was six. And my mom made me take it back and confess. Surprisingly though, Mr. Bianchi left this out of my criminal history when I got sentenced.