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15th May 2016

Another Ripple In The Karmic Pond

I thought that I'd share something with you that happened to me recently. I'm not doing this for any kinda sympathy, I'm just telling you about it because I share a lot of my life with you already, and I'm always so busy tripping on the retarded people around me that I sometimes forget about the past and the things that brought me here. I sometimes forget the pain I caused others...especially those who love me.

I occasionally hear from Brandon on email and he was recently telling me about how he's almost done flipping another house and that he's going to move to Colorado when he's done. I've been wanting to get a new pair of shoes so I asked him if he might be able to help me out. He was blunt and to the point with his answer, and told me that "I don't have money like that to be giving away" then he went on to ask me why I couldn't just wear bobos (like they give people in lockup). When I got up and read that email at 6 am, I just stared at it and felt like a complete piece of shit. Telling me "No' was certainly his prerogative because he sure doesn't owe me anything, but the last comment about the bobos made me feel like some kinda crack head or something. I just stared at the screen and thought to myself "I'm in my 8th year of being in prison and I'm not even good for a pair of shoes from my own son." That is fucking humbling...I'm hear to tell you.

I talked to my cellie about it and told him how it made me feel and then I told him that I'll bet that my son doesn't know exactly the type of father he'd like to be to his two little daughters, but I'll bet that he knows what kind of father he DOESN'T want to be. He doesn't want to be like me. Because in my addiction and criminality, I not only robbed a bunch of people and a bunch of banks, I also robbed him of the one thing that he needed the most when he was growing up. A dad. HIS dad.

I got to thinking about it in the middle of the night last night, and I'll bet that, deep down, he must really hate me. I can't really blame him though because this is the hand that I dealt myself years and years ago when I still had the deck of cards in my hands. It's just very sobering to realize that you're not worth a pair of shoes to your own kid. And like I've said before, it's humbling to be at the mercy of the kindness of others to have the things you want and need. It also reminded me that I sometimes lose sight of all of the people that I hurt and the effect that it had, and still has on them. I wish I could change it or undo it somehow. I really do. But sometimes the only amends you can make to somebody is to just leave them alone and stay out of their life.

I just thought I'd share my karmic moment with you and to let you know that I realize it for what it is and I'm trying to just suck it up and be strong. Where Brandon is concerned, I have to remind myself that I got my prayer to God answered. He didn't die in 2006. He lived and has a wife and two cute little baby girls, and by all accounts, a nice life. I have to remember that it's not all about me. It's just hard sometimes. I have way too much time to think. And no way to make things right all these years later.

Jeffrey P. Frye
Bank Robber's Blog